Five Steps Back
by time4moxie
Summary: Five moments from the time Jim returned to Scranton, that taken one after another, lead Jim to finally believe in second chances.


Step 1: Jelly Beans

Jim walked up to the reception desk to grab a few jelly beans. It was just one of the many habits he had already fallen into on his first day back at the Scranton branch. Pam wasn't at her desk; she'd left the office over ten minutes ago. He told himself he wasn't avoiding her, but the fact was that she scared him a bit. 

She seemed so different to him, even though they'd talked and emailed a few times while he was in Stamford. She seemed guarded around him, and that made him feel shy around her. If he knew how she felt he'd know how to act around her. It was frustrating to feel like nothing had changed between them in that respect. He knew he shouldn't even open that door, that he should block her out entirely, but being back in the same office made that pretty much impossible. He just wished it wasn't so damn unnerving to look up and see her watching him, only for her to quickly glace away when she was caught.

He was thinking of the quote about those who forget history when Kevin walked back into the office from his lunch break. Kevin eyed the jelly bean container as he threw his coat on the nearby coatstand.

"Wow, nice to see those babies back," Kevin said, grabbing a large handful of jelly beans. "She's even supplying Jelly Bellies? Niiiice," he grinned.

"What do you mean 'back'?" Jim asked.

"'Back', as in, 'not gone anymore.' Pam hasn't put any candy out on her desk in months, much less the expensive jelly beans." Kevin nudged Jim as he started to walk back to his desk in accounting. "I'm wondering if there's any connection between candy now available and you now being available again, if you get my meaning..."

Jim shrugged noncommittally, picked up a few more jelly beans and walked back to his old familiar desk. _It's a coincidence she chose today to put the out again, right?_ he asked himself. Or maybe she just was trying to be friendly. Or maybe it was an unspoken peace offering. Who could tell at this point?

When Pam returned to the office, Jim made sure to thank her for the jelly beans, but left out the part where Kevin had mentioned their absence. Though she only nodded slightly and gave a short 'you're welcome,' the flush that appeared on her cheeks told him much more than her words or body language had. And suddenly he felt just a little better about being back in Scranton.

Step 2: I Got Your Back

Jim knew it was going to be one of those days when he pulled into the Dunder Mifflin parking lot and saw his car. The red convertible with the WL HUNG license plate. _Todd Fucking Packer,_ Jim thought. _Fuck, Fuck, Fuck._

Pam was already at her desk when Jim walked in, and the look she gave him said she was feeling exactly the same way about their morning guest. Packer was currently in Michael's office, sounding off belligerently about something inconsequential. Belligerent. That word fit Todd Packer perfectly. Even when he was telling a story he thought was funny he still spoke as if he was a breath away from smacking someone. Jim still couldn't figure out how this guy made his living in sales. The only answer was that there were people out there who found Packer pleasant, and that wasn't something Jim could bear to think about.

When Packer left Michael's office, he immediately began to hurl insults at his favorite target, which was Jim. Jim started putting a little check mark on a post-it note every time Packer called him a fag, or a homo, or any other term which insinuated Jim had no interest in female anatomy. Jim knew that Packer was an asshole and was able to pretty much ignore the taunts. But while the check marks started to add up, Jim glanced over at Pam, and was taken aback by the look on her face.

Pam's head was bowed slightly, her eyes focusing on her computer screen. But the look on her face was unmistakeable to Jim. She was livid, and it was clear where her anger was stemming from. He kept watching her, and every time Packer made some stupid-ass comment to Jim, she practically flinched. At one point Jim saw her look over, and he could see that she was near tears. He knew if Packer noticed her reaction, she'd be playing right into his disgusting sweaty hands.

He sent her a short email. _Hey, don't let the asshole get you down. :-)_

She glanced over to Jim after reading it, nodding slightly. Shortly afterwards she got up from her desk, grabbed her coat and walked out. She was gone for less than ten minutes, and when she came back she looked a great deal less stressed.

Jim read the email she sent. _Don't say I never did anything for you._ He sent her a quizzical look but she only gave a blank look back in response. He'd have to try and talk to her once Packer was gone.

Thankfully Packer's reign of terror winded down at around 10am, and he and Michael left to go to 'an early lunch'. As soon as the two men walked out of the office, Jim was going to walk up to Pam's desk, but she had retreated to the bathroom before he could get up. A few minutes later a flush-faced Michael came hurrying back into the office.

"Are any of you members of Triple-A?" he asked.

"Why?" Angela asked.

"For some reason all of Todd's tires are flat. He's going to need a tow."

Jim turned his head and put his fist against his mouth to prevent himself from laughing outloud. He finally stood up and headed for the kitchen. He didn't think he'd be able to keep it together if Packer came back into the office. He was standing in front of the soda machine, still trying not to laugh when he saw Pam come out of the restroom.

He turned toward the door, and when she saw him she stopped. They looked at each other through the glass. He nodded knowingly, and she did the same back before continuing on to her desk.

He wasn't sure how to express what he was feeling at that moment, but one of the top contenders was pride. Pride and gratefulness. She'd always been his partner-in-crime; even since he'd been back she was still up for a joke or prank on a moment's notice. But this was the first time he'd seen her work alone. She was a force to reckoned with, that much he knew. She was Fancy New Beesly, and she'd acted out in his defense. It gave him a feeling of hope that made no sense and which he couldn't even explain. It reminded him of why he always knew how special she was.

Step 3: Reasons to Be Thankful

It was the day after Thanksgiving, and he had somehow allowed himself to be talked into going to the outlet mall. Granted it was always hard to say no to his mother, and he did have shopping that needed done one way or the other. But now that he was there, trudging around in the cold, being bumped by strollers or jostled by shoppers already laden with bags, he wished he were elsewhere. Even the random sightings of Santa Claus in the different stores hadn't inched his mood higher. He just couldn't seem to latch onto the holiday spirit.

If the three women in front of him hasn't completely blocked the sidewalk, he probably wouldn't have attempted to take a shortcut around them. But he cut behind a decorated pine tree at the end of the building, and in doing so managed to step directly into the path of another shopper, nearly knocking her over. Jim reached for an arm swathed in pink wool, righted her balance and apologized immediately. His heartbeat was already elevated from the surprise collision; it spiked further when he saw who it was.

"Pam!" he said, embarrassed with how loudly he'd said her name. "I'm so sorry! Are you all right?"

Pam looked a bit dazed and shaken. "Jim," she sputtered.

"Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." She looked up at him confusedly. "What are you doing here?"

Jim grinned. "Shopping," he said conspiratorially.

She looked away, aware of how silly her question sounded. "Yeah, of course," she said.

Jim thought how attractive she looked. Her pink wool coat made her flushed cheeks look that much brighter. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, which combined with her lack of makeup made her look even younger than she was. He felt a little ache at letting himself take in her beauty, but it was impossible not to. She was just so naturally pretty.

"Who are you here with?" Jim asked, trying to distract himself.

"Oh, me? No one. Who are you here with?"

"My mom. She's in one of these shops somewhere." Jim realised what she had said. "You are here alone?"

"Yes. Why?"

Jim shook his head. "No reason. I'm just surprised you would actually volunteer to be here on such a crazy day."

Pam smiled. "Oh, I don't know. This is the one day of the year I actually enjoy being in a crowd. It really feels like the start of the holiday season doing this." She smiled at him. "Are you saying you aren't a willing participant in the Black Friday festivies?"

"No way. I won't say I was dragged, but I certainly wouldn't have come out here on my own."

They stood there silently for a moment. Jim knew he should just walk away and find his mother. He and Pam hadn't been this relaxed around each other in ages, and it actually frightened him how quickly he could fall back into it. He didn't want to think about how nice it would be to just let his guard down and let go. He was about to make some excuse to say goodbye when his mother spotted him and headed over.

"And here's my mother now," he said. "Pam, this is my mother, Larissa."

Pam nodded in his mother's direction. "Hi, I'm Pam. I work with Jim."

Larissa Halpert responded with a brilliant smile very much like her son's. "Pam? Do you mean I finally get to meet THE Pam Beesly? Oh, how very, very nice to meet you."

"Thanks, it's good to finally meet you too," Pam said, smiling. "Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?"

"Oh yes, it was just lovely." Larissa replied. "Everyone was home for a change. And you?"

Pam paused for a moment. "Oh, it was nice. Pretty quiet actually, but it was okay."

"Did you go to your family's?" Larissa asked.

"No, not this year," Pam replied. "My aunt in South Carolina has been unwell, so my parents went to spend the holiday with her. I really didn't want to take off so much time from work, so I just celebrated in my own little way in my apartment."

Jim's eyes hadn't left Pam's face since she'd started talking to his mother, so he didn't miss the brief shadow of sadness she'd let slip when she mentioned being alone on Thanksgiving. That look, combined with just the idea of Pam being alone yesterday put lump in his throat that he really couldn't bear to think about. He was grateful his mother was there to prevent him from making a fool out of himself.

"Well, I guess I should let you guys finish your shopping," Pam said, her voice breaking into Jim's reverie.

"We're going to get some lunch soon," Jim heard himself say. "Why don't you come with us?"

Before Pam could reply, Larissa insisted that she join them, so all was settled. The three of them walked around the outlet mall a little while longer, and then Pam followed them to a nearby restaurant. Once there they warmed up with hot tea and coffees, they enjoyed a lazy afternoon lunch where laughter and Jim Halpert stories were exchanged freely.

Pam would no sooner describe one of their old Dwight pranks to Jim's mother, then Larissa would respond with an embarassing but cute story about Jim as a child. The two women seemed to bond instantly, and it was all Jim could do but sit back and reflect on how the day had unfolded. He enjoyed a flash insight of what his life would be like - surrounded by the two women whom he dearly loved and who clearly loved him. It took him a moment to remember that it was only his mother whose love he was completely certain of. Still, there were moments that afternoon when his eyes met Pam's and his heart couldn't deny the intensity and warmth he saw there. For as grateful as he was for the safety his mother's presence provided, he also wished for solitude with Pam so he could find out what those looks meant. Maybe it was safer just not to know. But he wasn't quite so sure he wanted safety anymore.

Step 4: A Real Live Christmas Tree

It was Friday afternoon, two weeks before Christmas. He could hear Kelly's voice in the kitchen even while sitting at his desk. He already had been having difficulty concentrating on work because Dwight was barking orders to those putting up the Christmas ornaments, so Jim got up and headed for the kitchen. He knew Pam was in there as well, and being in a charitable mood, thought maybe she needed some saving from Kelly.

"So you aren't even going to put up a tree this year?" Kelly asked, clearly astounded at this news.

"Well, I might get a small artificial tree," Pam was explaining. "But I just don't have  
anyone to help me get a huge tree into my apartment."

"But I thought you were telling me last month about how much you love having a real live pine tree in your house for Christmas," Kelly interupted.

Pam nodded. "Yes, I do, but it's just not possible this year."

"I know," Kelly said excitedly, "Ryan can help! I'm sure he'd be glad to go out and get a tree for you. I could come too and we could make it a party!"

Jim had said nothing up to this point, but Pam had noticed him come in and was now looking at him as if to say _Please make this stop_. "I can help you get a tree," Jim said, breaking into Kelly's holiday fantasy.

Pam jumped at his offer. "That would be great, Jim. Thanks." She stood up and threw her empty yogurt pot in the trash. "See, Kelly? Problem solved." She quickly walked out of the kitchen before Kelly could suggest anything else.

Jim bought a grape soda and went back to his desk. He found an email from Pam waiting: _Thanks for preventing the worst Christmas disaster since Tickle Me Elmo. Don't worry, I don't plan on holding you to your offer. Thanks again, Pam_

Jim frowned slightly. He hadn't quite expected Pam to so easily dismiss his help. True, his offer had been prompted by her silent plea. And he wouldn't wish an afternoon of Kelly and Ryan Christmas decorating on anyone. But he wouldn't have made the offer if he found the prospect completely distasteful.

His relationship with Pam seemed to be ever-so-slowly warming back up since their accidental meeting Thanksgiving weekend. They'd started to sit next to each other during office meetings again, and if they found each other taking lunch at the same time lately, well it didn't feel nearly as awkward as it use to for him.

He'd spent enough Christmases around Pam to know that a live Christmas tree really was a big deal to her. He knew how her family always had one when she was growing up, and how she used to argue with Roy to get one every year when she was living with him. This was going to be the first Christmas on her own, and he knew how extra important it would be for her to have a real tree there. The part of him that excelled at playing the wounded cynic thought it was really none of his business, but lately he'd been quite good about shutting that part of his psyche down. It was Christmas, after all, and while he didn't know anything about her holiday plans yet, the way she'd spent Thanksgiving still haunted him. Helping her get the tree she wanted was such a little inconvenience in comparison to how happy he knew it would make her.

He waited until he was getting ready to leave to approach her desk. "I know what you said in your email," he began, "but I stand by what I said. I want you to get a live tree."

She shook her head as if to refuse him again, but he cut her off. "Why can't I do this for you?" he asked, baring his feelings more than perhaps he had intended.

She stared at him for a moment and then stood up. "I'm sorry if I seem ungrateful," she said sincerely. "I just didn't want you to feel obligated. If you really want to help I would love to get a tree."

Jim's smile came freely. "When did you want to get one?"

"Is anytime this weekend good for you?"

"How about tonight?"

"Tonight?" Pam looked surprised. "Yeah, tonight's okay."

"Good. I know just the place to go."

Leaving work, Jim followed Pam to her apartment, where he helped her make room for the tree. She'd already put up some twinkle lights around her front windows and had garland hanging from the walls. It was the first time he'd ever been in her apartment and instead of feeling out of place, he felt immediately comfortable there. He felt a little sorry it had taken so long to finally see it, but he kept that thought to himself.

She let him drive her new car to a Christmas tree farm about 20 miles outside of Scranton. It was already dark by the time they'd arrived, and so they settled on picking out a tree from those in the barn that had been freshly cut. They engaged in friendly bickering on which tree would be a better fit, but in the end Pam agreed on Jim's choice: a tall blue spruce that Pam feared would be too tall but not full enough.

"If you are having such a problem with it, why are we getting it?" He teased.

"Because it reminds me of you," she retorted. He really didn't understand what in the world she meant by that, but for some reason her reply made him happy.

Once Jim wrestled the tree onto the roof of her car and they drove it back, he wrestled the tree off of the roof of her car and into her apartment. He struggled with the tree as they got it into the base, making sure it was standing straight. He added the water and reminded her to replenish it daily. By the time it was done and standing majestically in her small apartment, Jim was covered in a multitude of pine needle scratches. Pam ordered pizza as a small token of her thanks and even applied ointment to a few scratches on his forearms. They sat on the floor of her living room, eating pizza and admiring her new tree.

"Thank you so much," she said. "It's just beautiful."

He nodded. "Couldn't let you go a Christmas without a real tree, Beesly, now could I?"

She just smiled, a look in her eyes that Jim hesitated to examine too closely. A look that made his heart beat a little faster in spite of himself. Even now he couldn't bear take anything for granted.

As he was getting ready to leave her apartment, Pam touched his arm, and surprised him by wrapping her arms around him in a big hug. He allowed himself to hug her back. She smelled so good, felt so warm and soft, that he wished time could stop in just that instance forever. He walked to his car feeling a bit lightheaded at the words she had said as he left.

_"I'm sorry for a lot of things,"_ she had whispered in his ear, _"but I'm not sorry you had to come back to Scranton."  
_

Step 5: A New Year Approaches

The last day of the year, and Jim was sitting at his desk, pretending he had something to do. Who was he supposed to call for paper orders on New Year's Eve? He had been tempted to call in sick today, and now he was wondering why he hadn't. They only had to work until noon today, but it was still ten o'clock and it looked like the last two hours were going to painfully tick by.

He received an email from Pam: _Stop by my desk when you get a free moment. _

He had to laugh - did she really think he was so bogged down with work? He walked over to her desk immediately. "You rang?"

"That was quick."

"Well, I know I'm ever so busy this morning, but it sounded urgent."

"Oh, it is." she joked, but the smile didn't seem to reach her eyes.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing, why?"

"You look like you're worried about something."

She smiled a little. "Um, no, not really. It's not important."

"What? Now you've got me curious."

He noticed she was fiddling with her necklace. That was a tell-tale sign that she was nervous or worried. "Come on," he said softly, leaning over the desk. "You can tell me."

"Well," she started, looking down at her desk, "I was just wondering what your plans are for tonight."

He leaned back, surprised. He'd assumed from her visible anxiety that it was a more serious issue. "Um, well, nothing really. I was probably just going to hang out with Mark and Anna, watch some tv and have a few beers."

"Oh. I thought you'd be out partying at a bar or something," she said, still not quite meeting his gaze.

"No, I didn't really feel like it this year. Why? What are you doing tonight?"

She paused. "Um, nothing either."

Jim nodded. "Is that what you wanted to see me about?" The conversation felt funny to him, but he wasn't sure what was going on.

"Yeah." she said, "Wait, no."

Jim grinned. "I haven't moved."

"Okay. Well, I was just wondering if you didn't have any other plans tonight if you'd want to come over to my apartment. I mean, you still haven't seen my tree all decorated or anything. But it's no big deal if you have other plans."

Jim just stared at Pam. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her so tongue-tied. No, correct that. He could remember the last time - and as he recalled it had ended pretty badly for him. This time though, the dynamic was completely different. Here she was behaving oddly, but she was also asking him to come over. He felt about a dozen different emotions assault him, but went with his first instinct.

"Yeah, I could come over," he replied, feeling less confident than he sounded. "What time?"

"Seven? I could make dinner, and we could see what's on tv." She looked slightly  
apologetic, "I warn you it won't be very exciting."

He laughed. "It still sounds like a step up from my original plans."

Jim arrived promptly at seven o'clock, bringing a bottle of wine as well as a bottle of champagne. Pam put the champagne on ice and opened the wine. Jim helped with the salad and garlic bread, while Pam put the finishing touches on eggplant parmesan. They ate dinner seated around the coffee table, as the Christmas tree had surplanted the dining room table for the season.

Between the good food, good wine, and good conversation, one thing stood out the strongest in Jim's mind: how incredibly easy it was to just enjoy her company. To put aside everything that had ever gone between them and reconnect on such a deep, basic level. There was him and there was her, and that's all there needed to be for him to feel content and happy. She could make him smile with a look, make him laugh at both the most profound or the most ribald thought she had. She held the key, just by being who she was.

For so long he'd felt contrained when in her company. First she was attached to someone else. Then he was nursing a broken heart and a distance in both body and mind he felt would never disappear. But over time that distance narrowed, and his heart mostly healed. She'd been responsible for a great deal of that, and he'd started to trust enough to finish the task.

As the midnight hour approached, they sat on the couch and turned on the television to watch the broadcast from Times Square. "Let's go down there some year," she said suddenly.

"You're insane," Jim laughed. "Do you see that crowd??"

"It would be fun," she insisted. "Just once."

He looked at her, hearing the echo in his head of the last time he'd heard that phrase in her company. "Yeah, maybe just once," he said softly.

Pam put the television on mute, and Jim watched her finish off the half-glass of wine she was holding. "I need to say something before midnight gets here," she said, staring at her empty glass.

Jim sat up a bit straighter, a little alarmed by her tone. "Okay."

She looked at him for a moment, as if gathering up her resolve. "I just wanted, no - needed to tell you how sorry I am for everything that happened this year."

"Pam," Jim breathed, not quite sure what to say.

"Please, just let me say this first." She saw him nod and she continued. "I wish I could go back in time and change so many things that happened this year. But I can't. So I just need you to know that I hope we can make this coming year a better one." She paused again,and he noticed her hands were shaking. "I asked you over here tonight in the hopes that maybe we could, you know, think about being more than friends?"

Jim sat silently. He wasn't sure if his head was spinning from her words or from the wine.

"I don't know what to say," he began.

"Tell me that I'm not too late." she said, a sob catching in her throat. He hadn't realized she was crying. "I am so in love with you, Jim, and I can't go into a new year without telling you that."

Jim couldn't remember if he accidently dropped his wine glass or if he let it go on purpose, because at that moment his only focus was on touching her, to make sure she was real, and on kissing her, to make himself believe what she was telling him. In those first moments everything was forgiven, everything promised.

They forgot the television was still on mute, so they missed the countdown and lowering of the crystal ball. They missed the fireworks and all of New York City wishing them a Happy New Year. But they were busying making their own fireworks, and they certainly didn't need Ryan Secrest telling them how wonderful 2007 was going to be.


End file.
